


Aching Wounds and Empty Eyes

by SansThePacifist



Series: Naruto Stories [4]
Category: Naruto, Naruto Shippuden
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Chill, EXTREME GUILT, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Constipation, Grief/Mourning, Hatake Kakashi-centric, Hurt No Comfort, Kakashi is both a walking memorial and a broken mind, Loss, Other, Spoiler Alert - Freeform, Spoilers, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, This is kinda dark, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, but he tries to do his best in a world that seems to work against him, he's lost so much, kakashi honey, like woah kakashi, thats not how you deal with grief healthily, throwing up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 18:56:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14171376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SansThePacifist/pseuds/SansThePacifist
Summary: First, his gutt was opened wide. Slit in a fashion similar to suicide. He was just a child though, didn’t understand exactly what the feeling of coldness and pain there meant. He didn’t cry when he was alone, instead using his emotions to do useful things. His father killed himself and, in the end, left his son with a gaping wound that wouldn’t heal.Then came his first kill, it was during war time so there was nothing he could do about it. He pressed back the bile and walked away nonchalantly, ignoring the cries of disbelief. When he was finally alone, he let himself puke over and over and over and- his throat hurt. His sides and stomach pulled and he decided that it was alright. He could deal with it. He would just have to talk less, that’s fine. He didn’t even know the person, but it affected him so strongly.





	Aching Wounds and Empty Eyes

First, his gutt was opened wide. Slit in a fashion similar to suicide. He was just a child though, didn’t understand exactly what the feeling of coldness and pain there meant. He didn’t cry when he was alone, instead using his emotions to do useful things. His father killed himself and, in the end, left his son with a gaping wound that wouldn’t heal.

 

Then came his first kill, it was during war time so there was nothing he could do about it. He pressed back the bile and walked away nonchalantly, ignoring the cries of disbelief. When he was finally alone, he let himself puke over and over and over and- his throat hurt. His sides and stomach pulled and he decided that it was alright. He could deal with it. He would just have to talk less, that’s fine. He didn’t even know the person, but it affected him so strongly. 

 

Third was his eye. It immobilized him, left him weak and practically helpless. He wasn’t strong enough to fight the ninja and got another blind spot to add to the list.

 

Obito was next, pushing him out of the way after he was knocked out somehow. He woke up to the sight of blood and a rock. A huge rock that covered the boy’s side. His eye hurt enough as it was, but with the tears that sprung forth, it felt like it was burning him alive. He felt like all the air was taken from him, even as the searing pain from the surgery began. By the time he was alone, he couldn’t puke anymore.

 

Fifth was the eating problems. He supposed it was from living off of pills for too long, but when he ate too much too fast it felt like his body was rejecting all of it and he would have to throw it up anyways. He breathed heavily, looking into the mirror with wide eyes. His sharingan swirled and he wondered, once again, if carving it out of his head was still out of the question. ~~And if Rin saw the guilt in his eye the very next day, she didn’t say a thing.~~

 

Rin was gone too. She was kidnapped and everything in him felt like it was shattering. He had to protect her and keep her safe, but she was gone. Again! He hyperventilated, leaning against a tree in hopes of regaining his everything. He just needed time, just give him some time. Yet, when he got there she only asked for him to kill her and took an attack as her own. Suicide. Again. His heart was hurting so much, even as she said she forgave him. She was sorry. He killed her. He killed her with the very eye he was supposed to protect her with.

 

He fired up a chidori, watching it flash and listening to the noises of birds singing. He tried to ignore the images of Rin ~~broken and lifeless, blood splattered everywhere, the soaked..~~ while aiming it at his own heart. Maybe if he ended it all, his promise wouldn’t of been broken and his family would still be alive. Maybe, just maybe, his team would be too. Minato stopped him, pulling him into a hug when the jutsu dissipated. The tears wouldn’t stop flowing and, for once, he didn’t try to stop them.

 

ANBU had a way of gutting everything inside of people and putting it in pretty containers for the right time to come. Instead of feeling the heart wrenching, stomach twisting, eye stinging pain he usually felt.. Instead he was only numb. Only numb. That was a good sign, right? If he pushed himself too far each mission, went out of the way to get the worst (and most dangerous), no one said a thing.

 

Minato and Kushina left together, the ominous and heavy chakra from the Kyuubi sealed within a small child. Immediately he saw the resemblance, immediately he wanted to pick up the child and care for him. Instead he stood there, numb, and watched them decide his fate.

 

Up next was Sasuke. With him it was.. Weird. At first they all thought he was dead, even after he shoved a fist through another. Then Sasuke desired power and left. He left them because they weren’t giving him enough. When he got home with the news, he finally felt the string of tears long held back. He fell asleep dressed and with the feeling someone was watching him.

 

Naruto went on a training trip. Sakura was being taught by Tsunade. He threw up once more, trying to hold himself together because even if they weren’t there anymore, he was still their sensei. He woke up the next morning to pills to help with the ache in his throat and a glass of water. He wondered vaguely if the orange he saw the other night was a trick of the eye before taking them (and one too many).

 

His wrists ached, stomach shifted, eyes stung, heart froze.. The first time in a long time he let himself feel and it ended with a desire to die. He pondered how his father would react to knowing his son killed himself before putting down the blade when Obito came to mind and the world around him shattered. He pulled off the mask, breathing too heavily, before going into his bedroom and sliding both of the images down. At the age of twenty five and he still didn’t know how to deal with emotions. He laughed, head in his hands, before puking once more.

 

He.. Died. Really, it was to be expected. He was up against a ninja stronger than him, but it still surprised him when he found himself at a campfire with his father. It was nice, he noted, to talk with him again. _ I’m sorry _ , he wanted to say,  _ I should have been a better son _ . Instead, he said his father did the right thing and was an alright person. His chest hurt from the surprised look he got. He smiled wryly before being brought back to a place he didn’t want to be by a green light.

 

Obito was back and he blamed him. He blamed Kakashi for Rin, for him, for practically everything. He didn’t blame Obito, although it was a blow to each part of him and it felt like he was shattering, especially since in his dreams he had already stated each reason why he hates him. Obito hated him more than his dreams ever mentioned though and the crushing feeling he felt each time he thought about it? That was fine. It was fine. ~~Even when he held back tears and tried his hardest not to puke when the mask came off.~~

 

Then he was gone again. Kakashi killed him. Again. It hurt more this time, because it more more closure but not. Instead it left a gaping hole inside of him. Obito confessed with a whisper that he helped Kakashi out sometimes, when Madara’s seal was weakening, and he remembered the pills on the table. 

 

Gai was in a wheelchair and he noticed his own legs felt like they were on fire. He deserved them less than gai did and.. He ignored it though, greeting his rival and attempting to cheer him up.

 

He love his students and their children, they made his life just a bit more brighter. It was sad that there was still a gap there without Sasuke. Redemption, huh.. He wondered vaguely if the Sixth Hokage was allowed to die for that word.


End file.
